A Honest Letter

Dear Humble Villagers,

I have a confession to make. Just yesterday, I was walking by Joe’s house, and while admiring the pristine cleanliness of his house, I tripped over a cylindrical metal object and crushed the flowers lining the sidewalk. John, if you are reading this letter, I am terribly, terribly sorry. I might have even shed a single tear for your flowers. I promise I will replant your flowers, but with fakes instead. That way, if some muppet trips over a cylindrical metal object, they won’t destroy the flowers even if they land on them. But, onto more important matters. When I got up, I suddenly noticed hills of plastic water bottles, lines of plastic bags, and shining piles of metal cans all over the place! I can’t seem to remember them being there just yesterday. I hope my memory isn’t failing me—I’m not that old. I hope. Upon closer inspection, I noticed they made quite a nice decoration. Wouldn’t you all agree? The water bottles delightfully sparkle in the sunlight, their reflection illuminating the ground. The looming towers of styrofoam cups and wells of shredded rubber tires strike up quite a view as well. You could stare at one for hours and ponder how it possibly got there. Perhaps it was a message from an alien force? Perhaps some god has decided to bless us? Perhaps it was some mutant bird’s feces? Perhaps we could even turn this into an exhibit zone. I’m sure people would love to see the wonders of plastic bags replacing their lawn flags or even cardboard cartons replacing their house walls. It would be the latest innovation! We’ll be famous in the history books! But, I was thinking that we could also open up a shop, selling these materials in bulk for great amounts of profit. I’m sure people find empty, crumpled metal cans very useful. We can also sell the shoe soles that are falling from the trees—people like shoe soles, right? They can use the soles for, um, things. I’m sure people will find some way to use them. I suppose money really does grow on trees-we’ll be rich!

I also made another interesting observation: a lot of the local pets and animals have gone missing. Most notably, neighbor Jane has multiple dogs that happily wander the neighborhood each day, looking for a new attraction. This had me very curious—it was a matter that persisted in my mind as I rummaged about. Luckily, the question was answered quickly. I was rummaging around in the great lakes of plastic when I found the dogs. I am, indeed, truly, truly sorry to inform you, Sally, that all 10 of your dogs have perished. I found them next to many peculiar objects, what looked like plastic rings used to hold soda cans. I noticed that some of your dogs had plastic rings in their mouths, half-chewed. While this may be a great tragedy, I can confidently assure you that your dogs did not suffer. They must have been imagining some delicious and aromatic bacon as they happily munched on the plastic. Soon after I found the dogs, I noticed a peculiar pile of round magnets. I found squirrels hustling in and out, snatching the magnets as they sped about. I believe the squirrels mistook the magnets for acorns, but I won’t stop them. They looked so joyful doing it, happily chattering to one another as they gleefully took them. Who am I to stop their enjoyment?

After a few more hours of fascinating adventure, I came to find that I was sweating very heavily inside my coat. I found this rather odd, as it was the middle of October. I don’t remember late October being this hot before. There’s no way I could forget the temperature of the seasons. Even an old person wouldn’t forget such things! I swear I’m not old! Anyway, I walked to the neighborhood’s outskirts and found that many huge buildings had sprung up. They were quite menacing, and they were pumping these enormous, angry clouds into the air. I’d like to think of them as tiny volcanoes. I tried to avoid them, as the air around them was a little less than pleasant. I think the buildings greatly hurt the ground’s feelings—the brown and wrinkled grass around that area is a testament to that. I do hope they can repair their relationship.

After noting down everything I noticed, I decided to return home for the day. I tossed and turned in my bed all night. I felt like I could not sleep! So, I had to satisfy the irresistible urge to write this letter to you all. I would love to know if any of you have made similar observations. Please, I invite you all to take a look outside—you will not regret it.

(Don’t forget to have a moment of silence for John’s flowers and Jane’s dogs.)